Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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