Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
