capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
