I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
