I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
