Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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