Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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