Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Drake has all the answers
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
