we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
