I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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