I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
