yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
