Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
