That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
my liver is dry heaving
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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