Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
