Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
