Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I am midnight drunk by noon
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
