i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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