i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
