the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
