I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
