well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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