Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
