Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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