OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
