Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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