my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
