please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
