Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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