I think scott just propositioned me for sex
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
