Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
