I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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