your thong is hanging out like whoa
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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