Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
