I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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