Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
it glows. i had to have it.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you inspire me to be a worse person
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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