Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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