I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
