I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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