How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
