I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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