Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
