The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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