Pappa wants mamma naked
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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