I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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