Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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