Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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