Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
