Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I need water and some morals
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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