so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
