I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
