Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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