Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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