My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
