Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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