Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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