Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
