sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
this hospital has no fireball
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize